Harry Potter Goes Evil
by ArthurTwoSheds
Summary: A romantic trip to Smoothie King? A muggle DADA teacher? New Quidditch regulations set by non-existent school administrators? This should be good. Chapter 3 up! Please R&R!
1. Ginny Goes 'Ow'

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of J.K. Rowling's wonderful works. I do not even own J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Well actually, I do and I also own a potato named Jerry, but that's beside the point completely.  
  
Chapter One: Ginny Goes "Ow"  
  
"Ow" Ginny said.  
  
I suppose "ow" is an appropriate expression of pain when one stubs one's toe or bites one's tongue. I also think "ow" is an understatement when one falls 73 ½ feet to the nearly frozen ground, which is what Ginny just did. Well, actually, maybe it didn't hurt as much as you'd think. Perhaps she fell on a soft spot or she has an extremely large threshold for pain. Maybe it did hurt. Maybe it hurt like hell, but all Ginny said was, "ow."  
  
Of course, she passed out immediately after she said "ow."  
  
Nearly the entirety of Gryffindor house came pounding out onto the Quidditch pitch. Obviously, Ron was first to reach Ginny as he is on the Quidditch team with Harry and the rest of the team flying towards her as fast as they could. As Ron slowed next to her and jumped off, he seemed about to do something stupid like wake her up through a technique called strangling. Harry would have to take serious action (i.e.: kick him where it hurts: in the teeth) to prevent Ron from acting on his strange thoughts. Luckily for Ginny and Harry, Dumbledore with Professor McGonnagal in tow got there before such actions could take place.  
  
As the mass of Gryffindors crowded around, Dumbledore calmly felt Ginny's wrist for a pulse. After a minute, he took off his ridiculous hat and nodded his head. "She's dead" he announced gravely. I know, this is a bit morbid as we all like Ginny, but it must happen for this story to work out in the end."  
  
......  
  
After a few moments contemplation, I, the narrator, have decided this story is getting much too sad so I will have a little intermission and start anew.

INTERMISSON SHOW  
  
_In the common room..._  
  
Harry: I hate this place. The teachers, the students, the classes and that stupid house-elf who likes to stalk me! I'm going to the Dark Side!  
  
Hermione: You can't, Harry! You just can't! Think about Dumbledore, think about us, think about your parents!  
  
Ron: Oh, calm down, Hermione. You don't really mean it, do you, Harry?  
  
Harry: Yes. And, Hermione, Dumbledore's an old bat, you and Ron need to get lives and I never did like my parents.  
  
Ron: So you're leaving, mate? Harry: Yep.  
  
Ron: Well, be sure to write or something, won't you?  
  
Harry: All right, but I really must leave now.  
  
_Voldemort in doctor's office waiting room..._  
  
Voldie: Luke... I mean, Harry...  
  
Harry: (Sits up on sofa) Father...  
  
Voldie: Since when?!  
  
Harry: Since forever! Mum told me when I was only three! Can you imagine how it feels to know me da's the most evil wizard ever and then play with other kids on the playground?!  
  
Voldie: No...  
  
Harry: Right! Which is why I am going to join you and the rest of the Dark Side!  
  
Ron: You can't go Harry!  
  
Harry: Why not?  
  
Ron: Because I love you!  
  
_Very long pause.  
_

END OF INTERMISSION  
  
"Ow" Ginny said.  
  
Ginny had just stubbed her toe on the corner of the broom shed while searching for an almost-decent school broom.  
  
"Eh, walk it off" Ron told her as he found his broom and emerged from the shed.  
  
The ground was barely frozen and the whole Gryffindor team was safely on the ground and in no danger at all of falling 73 ½ feet from the air and dying anytime soon. Harry, who had too fancy a broom to leave in a place such as the school broom shed, appeared from around the other side of it. "Hello" he said cheerfully.  
  
"Hullo, Harry" Ginny replied, a bit muffled as she was still searching for a useable broom.  
  
"Oh, mate." Ron motioned to Harry so he could speak a little more privately. "Listen, Harry, I've got to skive off practice a little early today, I've got a- got a- a something to do."  
  
"A something to do?" Harry looked at Ron skeptically.  
  
"Yes, a something that I may tell you about later if you let me go"  
  
"Okay, but this better have a good explanation later to make up for the lame one you just gave me" Harry wasn't sure if he was making the right decision, letting Ron leave early for a suspicious activity. But his mind turned to pepperjack cheese and he completely forgot about Ron altogether. Voldemort must be hungry.  
  
Harry headed after the rest of the Quidditch team which had already left toward the pitch, hi mouth watering for a lovely cheese and bologna sandwich with a nice glass of Ovaltine.  
  
Review if you love it! Review if you hate it! Review if you like Ovaltine!


	2. Ron and Hermione meet Hans the Pool Boy

_Disclaimer: I still do not own any of Harry Potter or any of J.K. Rowling's works. But I found out my great-grandfather wrote a book so I kinda own something... Like a shiny penny or maybe even a quarter...  
  
New Disclaimer: Not only do I not own Harry Potter, but it has been recently brought to my attention that Hans the Pool Boy is not mine either. Hans the Pool Boy belongs to Jade Saunders who is not nearly as funny or talented as myself but I feel, as my duty as a noteworthy author, that I should give her full credit for Hans the Pool Boy and all her other not-as- good-as-mine works. There, I did it. That makes me a good person, right?  
_  
Chapter 2: Ron and Hermione meet Hans the Pool Boy  
  
I, the author, can tell you Quidditch practice did not go very well at all. It may be due to that fact the non-existent school administrators decided that it was far too dangerous for students to play an air-borne sport on flimsy sticks of wood while attempting to catch and throw various sized balls and mad people trying to knock each other off the whole time. So, it was decided by these administrators to restrict the players to play no more than six inches off the ground, two inches if it was raining and maybe seven if a hobbit was in the crowd of spectators. It is very difficult to play Quidditch while you're practically lying on the ground. It ended you that most of the team had grass and dirt stains all over the bottom half of their bodies, except for Colin, who was recently accepted as official team photographer and agent. But the only gig he had gotten the team was a night at the Hogs Head which resulted in half the team leaving the pub purplish-orange.  
  
Ron, quite green and brown at this point, steered his broom towards Harry at the end of the pitch. He slowed as he approached him, his very long legs dragging behind him. Harry took notice of him when he stopped right next to him.  
  
Harry winced at the now dirty but just cleaned Quidditch robes Ron was wearing. "Are you leaving now?"  
  
Ron, still looking uncomfortable, nodded, "Yeah, I'll see you later."  
  
Ron hopped off his broom and began to stagger away. Harry stopped him. "Does this have anything to do with the little 'outing' Hermione was talking to Ginny about earlier?"  
  
Ron looked shocked then he laughed. "No, you silly little boy! Of course not! Well, okay, yeah, it does." Harry didn't looked at all surprised, "What're you two gonna do?" he inquired.  
  
"We're going to Smoothie King."  
  
"Very romantic" Harry responded.  
  
"You have no idea."  
  
INTERMISSION  
  
_Ron has just told Harry he loved him when Harry decided to go to the Dark Side. And he has just found out Voldemort is his Daddy.  
_  
Harry: Daddy!  
  
Voldie: I'll take you home right away, Har-Har.  
  
Harry: Har-Har?!  
  
Voldie: It's my pet name for my new son.  
  
Harry: Dad, you're embarrassing me...  
  
Voldie: Well, sorry for being your father!  
  
Harry: Well, sorry you're a BAD father!  
  
Voldie: A bad father...?  
  
Harry: You're a horrible father, you don't really love me! You just want to use me for your evil ways!  
  
Voldie: Dat's not true! Dat impossible!  
  
Harry: Oh, stop acting like a child. Hey, dad? Can we stop with the telepathy thing? It' really giving me a headache...  
  
Voldie: Like father, like son.  
  
_Harry takes out a call phone._  
  
Harry: Can you hear me now?  
  
_Voldemort takes out cell phone._  
  
Harry: Good  
  
END OF INTERMISSION  
  
Ron and Hermione enter the Smoothie King in a suburban mall. Well, they don't really enter it, as it is a kiosk in the middle of the mall so they really just walk up to it.  
  
Ron looks at Hermione-lovingly, "What do you want, my sweet?"  
  
Hermione looks at Ron with disgust, "Don't call me 'sweet.' That's what you call sugar or candy but I'm definitely not either one of those."  
  
"Or ice cream" Ron pipes in.  
  
Hermione glares at Ron, but decides to order her smoothie. She looks down from the smoothie menu and finds her self looking at none other that Hans, the pool boy.  
  
"Hans the pool boy?" Hermione inquires.  
  
"Hairmionee! Eet iz so vonderful to see you!"  
  
Just for your reference, Hans the pool boy is from Austria and once had an affair with a short married woman name Molly while her husband, Charlie, was having an affair with a 20 year-old British girl name Ella and they all live in the same house in Potomac (MARYLAND).  
  
"Hans the pool boy! Are you not a pool boy anymore?"  
  
Hans the pool boy looks hurt. "Of courze I em steel Hanz the pool boy! I vill never leave mai title of zat!"  
  
Hermione remembers Ron. "Hans the pool boy, this is Ron Weasley. He goes to school with me. Ron, this is Hans the pool boy. He's a pool boy/Smoothie King cashier."  
  
"And how do you two know each other?" Ron questions while looking at Hans the pool boy accusingly.  
  
"It all happened a few years ago, in southern France..."  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
Hermione stepped out of the dressing/bathroom into the bright French sunlight. I guess sunlight can't actually be French, or Japanese for that matter, but she's in France and in the sunlight, so THERE.  
  
She looked rather good for a fictional character in her Land's End tankini and five buck Old Navy flip-flops and a Tommy Hilfiger towel draped over her forearm. She was also wearing JLo line sunglasses and her hair was in the popular "messy bun." Walking as if she were on a runway with her flip- flops flip-flopping and her hair casually blowing in the light breeze she tripped over a hose and got a bloody nose on the hard, very shock resistant ground.  
  
The next thing she knew, a strong Austrian arm was helping her up and putting a wet cloth to her nose. "Are you being alright?" The owner of the Austrian arm inquired.  
  
"I tink tho." Hermione wimpered through her bloody nose. "Ith twingeths a bith."  
  
"Ah, everyone trips over zat hose." Hans told her in an attempt to make her fell better.  
  
"Why dun you justh move ith?" "Ah, okay, nose better. I will be going now." Hans replied hurriedly and her ran over to the children's pool and dove in and severely hurt his brain, but he is Hans the pool boy and it doesn't matter how dumb he is, he's HOT.  
  
After several weeks of coffee outings, instant messaging, detentions and underwater "sessions," Hermione had to leave France and Hans the Pool Boy to head back to Hogwarts for the start of term.  
  
END OF FLASHBACK  
  
"So, that's it?" Ron brought Hermione and Hans the Pool Boy back to reality. "You two met in France at a pool, messed around for several weeks and left?"  
  
Hans the Pool Boy and Hermione glance at each other and shrug, "Yeah, pretty much."  
  
Ron ponders this response, "Well, in that case, I'll have the orange/banana smoothie with a hint of pineapple, but not too much, I'm slightly allergic."  
  
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts where Gryffindor Quidditch practice was just ending, Harry stared in shock/awe/wonder at the entirely different changing rooms. 


	3. Disco Inferno

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Hans the Pool Boy or even a working toilet at this point. But one day, one day, I will have a flushable toilet and then... I will rule the earth with my evil-toilet-controlling ways! Mwahaha! Ahem... I'm really sorry, I really get all worked up about the lousy, good-for-nothing toilet I have. But, then again, that's what e- bay's for..._  
  
Chapter 3: Disco Inferno  
  
Harry wasn't sure what was going on, but he really didn't care what involved glowing yellow and neon pink paint and a dancing yet disturbing anteaters. He decided to change in the Gryffindor dormitory rather than have to endure curious passersby watching him.  
  
All the sudden, for reasons unknown, Ron, Hermione and a strangely handsome yet familiar man/boy stood in front of him, blocking his way to the castle.  
  
"Ron! Hermione! Strangely Handsome Yet Familiar Man/Boy!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"It's 'Hans,' Harry." Hermione sternly corrected him.  
  
"Harry! Harry, you'll never believe what Hermione's decided to do!" Ron ejaculated loudly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"She's going to ask Dumbledore if Hans can be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" Ron yelled incredulously.  
  
"Wait, wait, wait. Is Hans even a wizard or have any credentials at all?" Harry inquired from Hermione.  
  
Hermione contemplated this question for a very long time. So long in fact, by the time she did speak, Harry was busy flirting with a random seventh year and Hans the Pool Boy had gone off in search of pools to protect from the overbearing. To protect for the weak and those trampled underfoot. Yes, Hans the Pool Boy, saving public pools/bathing facilities from polluting old men in tight Speedos and little pool-soiling children. Everywhere a pool is in danger or being controlled by demonic pool-dwelling mice, Hans the Pool Boy is there to say the day!  
  
"No," Hermione finally responded.  
  
"No previous recommendations? College degrees? Community service hours? Tutoring children falling behind in Algebra or the languages?"  
  
"No, I don't think so, but he's hot so who cares?" Hermione said enthusiastically.  
  
Harry definitely agreed. So it was decided that they take to now missing Hans the Super Pool Boy up to Dumbledore's office and see if he would take Hans on as the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.  
  
INTERMISSION  
  
I know, I know, right hat the pinnacle point of the story, eh? Well, too bad! Mwahahaha!  
  
_Shot to Darth Vader._  
  
Random Person Out of View: Wrong set!  
  
_Shot back to Voldemort._  
  
Voldemort: Ahem, thank you. Oh, by the way Har-Har, I got re-married.  
  
Harry: WHAT?  
  
Voldemort: Yes, she's really quite nice. A little strict, but I think you'll like her.  
  
Harry: You got remarried without telling me?!  
  
Voldemort: I only just found out you were my son five minutes ago!  
  
Harry: That was never five minutes!  
  
Voldemort: Sorry, I'm not allowed to argue.  
  
Harry: But that was never five minutes!  
  
_Voldemort whistles._  
  
Harry: Why not?  
  
Voldemort: Your step-mother wishes to speak to you.  
  
END OF INTERMISSION  
  
The mismatching and rather idiotic foursome skipped stupidly across the open grounds and toward the grand steps that led into the castle. As Harry reached to open one of the gargantuan doors, he suddenly felt the overpowering sense of foreboding (MAJOR foreshadowing, guys). But, he ignored the sensation and the sudden pain in his scar even though every time he feels pain in his scar, something really bad happens shortly afterwards. We can safely say now, that Harry is an incompetent jock who, apparently, is a very slow learner. But, anyway, Harry pulled the door open with an ominous loud creak to see...  
  
Darkness shrouding the entire entrance way. Nobody, not even an anomalous ghost was to be seen...until Harry crossed the threshold.  
  
Suddenly, the lights went on accompanied by strobe lights and several disco balls gleaming in the brightness. The song Disco Inferno also played.  
  
"What the-?"  
  
"CONGRATULATIONS!" a voice sounded somewhere above. "YOU ARE THE MILLIONTH STUDENT TO WALK THROUGH THOSE DOORS INTO HOGWARTS!"  
  
A huge roar of applause followed this outrageous announcement. It seemed the entire school had turned up for this completely pointless event.  
  
"AND TO CELEBRATE, DRINKS ALL AROUND!"  
  
Ever student and staff member there was now holding a bottle of some alcoholic substance. I seemed the anonymous voice had decided to do away with that watered down butter beer stuff and replace it with Budweiser, Michelob, Coors (light), and, for no real reason, Chiang Beer.  
  
'Wow' Harry thought, 'I'm the millionth student to walk through those doors. Hehe, good thing I went in first.' At this, his excitement increased fifteen-fold. So much in fact, he decided to do something very stupid.  
  
"FOSHIZZLE!"  
  
I can tell you now, that everyone stopped talking and looked at Harry. They all had the same strange expression on their faces.  
  
Filch put his hand on Harry's shoulder and looked sadly into his eyes, "Naw, man, naw." And everybody left, muttering.  
  
The so-suddenly distracted foursome regained their drive, somewhat, and began once again for Dumbledore's office, only to run right into him next to the girls lavatories.  
  
"Professor!" Hermione said, surprised. "We- we were looking for you. We- we um, we found a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Professor Dumbledore, meet Hans the Pool Boy." 


End file.
